The Kindness Rut

I am in a rut. Simple as that. I started this blog because I wanted to be accountable for the great things I have and maybe start a new path in my life.
But today, I realized my faith in dwindling, my faith in changes, in miracles, and in myself.
I realized that because I am starting to hate my job, but not enough to just quit. Because I want to do something else, but I don't even know what...
And then, I read "never say never" to your dreams, because one never knows what lies ahead of them. And that made me realize the rut I am in.

Living with Purpose- Act of Kindness #6

I mentioned before that being kind on a daily basis had turned into an awful daunting task. Not only because there are days when I do not feel or have the energy to be kind to others, but to my dismay I realized that many of my days are lived in auto-pilot.

This past week, I did each and every motion of my life on auto-pilot. I never questioned any of my actions, my thoughts, my motions, and even drove home without really thinking where I was going.

One of the reasons I started this project, other than to remind myself of how fortunate I really am, was to live life with a purpose. I want to live life “in the moment”. I don’t want to be overly concerned about my future or over dramatic about my past. I want to enjoy this breath I am taking right now. I want to realize I am alive and not some walking dead.

The reality of my days hit me like a hammer in the head. I look back and can remember that many of my days as a younger individual were lived to its fullest. I was so cognizant of my being, my desires, and my dreams. I remember sitting at a lounge with friends and feeling there was no other place I wanted to be but right where I was. It was such a palpable feeling, so tangible, and concrete.

And then came adulthood. I now have bills to pay and family responsibilities. But does growing up mean I have to be dead inside? Does it mean that I have perform my everyday responsibilities as though my body is nothing but a shell?

I comprehend now that to live with purpose is not an easy task. It takes mental processes that sometimes are just too much after a long day of work. But I get nothing but this one life. Even if I believe in the concept of reincarnation, this life, this moment, this person is a unique moment in time and will never repeat itself ever again. And I want to live it.

The Glass Half Full- Act of Kindness #5

On Thursday morning, I called my mother on my way to work. As she excitedly narrates her new adventure as part of a religious organization, she tells me last week she cried a lot while she was volunteering there. I asked her what the reason was. She started to tell me that her religious institution does work for the poor community in the area, specially for the children. So last week, they has a party to celebrate Children’s Day and each child received a little bag with a towel inside. That’s right, A TOWEL. Not a fancy toy or a videogame, but a towel.

This one little boy approached my mother with tears in his little eyes and said: “’tia’, I have never had a towel just to myself. Now, I do and I am going to take good care of it.” At first, the meaning of those words didn’t take effect on me. I believe that they were so powerful and so full of meaning, my brain needed a few minutes to process the depth of these words uttered by this little 5 or 6 year old boy.

My mom continued to talk about their plans for Christmas and how they want to give them bed sheets, 1 single twin size flat sheet. Now, this seemed so much more absurd in my brain that I could not understand what my mother was saying and the word “sheet” or “Lençol” in my native Portuguese, just didn’t process.  

Every day, of every time in my life, I try to be grateful and look at the glass half full. But never occurred to me a child could look at a glass half full “of towel.”

I want these kids to have the best and most memorable Christmas they have ever had. I am doing a drive collecting twin size bed sheets to send to them. If you want to help, let me know.

But since I want this day to be memorable, it must have fun, cotton candy, magic, and hope. My glass is half full because I can provide that to them. And for that, I will be forever grateful.

When we are old...Act of Kindness #4

When I decided to start this 365 Acts of Kindness project, I really thought it was going to be easy. It never occurred to me that it was going to be difficult and sometimes right down impossible to be kind to others.

Yesterday was one of those days. I was tired, overworked, and was multitasking beyond my brain capacity at work.

It was at that exact time when I was thinking there weren't enough hours in a day for me to finish everything, when this lady came to the office to request my assistance. You see, she is older and does not speak a word in English. She told me she was the victim of identity theft and she needed to fill out some papers to send back to one of the credit bureaus. 

I could feel my impatience boiling in my blood, so I politely replied I could not tell her what to do because of liability to the company. Then, I asked if she didn't have a family member who could assist her. She looked at me and said "I am all alone. Since my husband passed away, I have no one." 

I felt so little. Here was a hard working old lady, who came home every night to an empty apartment... and I was too busy to help her go over a few lines on a piece of paper.

I took the paper from her hand and gave her the information she needed. I also told her that she could come back if she had any doubts or questions on anything else.

I guess we all will be old one day. Hopefully, we will all be surrounded by family members and friends. But think it will depend on what kind of adult I am.

Kindness Starts at Home- Act of Kindness #3

I always felt a huge feeling of happiness helping people who I do not know, causes from overseas countries, and joining big communities who were getting together in support for some major cause.

However, I failed to realize that great acts of kindness start at home with my parents, my sibling, my family. On the contrary, a chore for my mother felt as though as I was being punished, even if that chore was to pick up after myself. 

Today, the act of kindness came from a little boy helping his little sister while they played at the beach. His care for his little sister reminded me kindness starts with those who are closest. 

Today, I will give my husband a back rub! ;-)

Being Kind to Myself- Act of Kindness #2

I have had a pretty trying 365 days.
I have generally been a positive person. I have always had faith in a power bigger than myself and that the power of my thoughts were able to materialize things in my life. I know it sounds a bit new-agey, but I remember when I was about to be evicted many years ago, with no money and no family to rely on, these thoughts kept me going.
But then, all of a sudden, they were gone. My faith was gone. My positive attitude was gone. I was taken over by an uncontrollable fear and a sadness that was bigger than anything I had ever felt.
I cried constantly. I had a hard time falling asleep and a hard time getting up in the morning. I had no desire to brush my hair and all I wanted was to be cooped up in bed.
I went to therapy for almost a year. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and advised to see a psychiatrist. I was put on an antidepressant. It helped, but I was still not myself.
Then it occurred to me to be kind to myself. It occurred to me I do not have to be perfect all the time, as I  have always demanded of myself.
And it occurred to me I need to slow down and smell the roses.
I know it sounds simplistic for such a serious condition, but I believe I was a huge source of my own unhappiness.
I have been off the medication for about a month now. There are days I feel very tired and only want to sleep, like today.
But today, I decided to be kind to myself. I got up and met my good friend for a walk. I never exercise and I always feel lazy about it. I walked with her for 3 miles. I almost gave up half way, but I forced myself to continue. My body thanked me.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost

Act of Kindness #1

Everyone who has driven in South Florida knows how testy it can be. Turn signals are indicator for the car coming behind "speed up and don't let me change lanes", left lanes are "drive at 50 miles per our on the interstate and not move out of the way for faster traffic lane", and the middle finger is not a grabbing finger, but a "up yours finger".
Anytime it rains, traffic slows down significantly and one minor fender-bender on I-95 means an additional 45 minutes to your commute.

I have to say that being kind while driving is hard, maybe very hard.

So today, as I am waiting patiently in line for over 20 minutes to get off the interstate, some "smarty pants" drove all the way to the head of the line and wanted to cut in... and I let him. I did not speed up to prevent him from doing so. I did not tail gate the car in front of me just to make sure he would not force his car in front of mine...and I felt ok.
In reality, I felt better. Instead of agitated and anxious, I felt in peace. I listened to Bee Gees "Staying Alive" on the radio and sang out loud as I attempted a few John Travolta moves.

I might not be a good singer, but I am pretty sure I put on a pretty entertaining show!